Another Perspective

In Praise of Apathy

An open leter to anyone who cares about anything other than themselves.

By Brandon Hartley

"The problem with apathy is that it's just like any other political belief system. It's filled to the brim with plot holes and contradictions. Just like the tenants of socialism and democracy - it's Grade-Z ethos." -Dr. Chase Montego

Dear Mr. and/or Ms. Idealistic,

I once considered myself a radical. I was an anarchist and an environmentalist until I reached an age of reason. For most activists this happens in their late-20s, usually around the time the average American tires of living in abject poverty and realizes that the mindless pursuit of material wealth might be a fun way to spend the rest of their lives. As for myself, I guess I matured early. At 21, I am as apathetic and cynical as anyone who has made a career out of filing customer complaints deep within the bowels of some gigantic corporate beast.

There was a day when I enjoyed roaming the streets in search of things to smash, scratch, steal, bend, liquefy, or set on fire. My rationale? I was raging against the hypothetical machine and paying back the upper 10% for their crimes against humanity. I have spray painted government property, stolen mail, pissed in the living rooms of partially built townhouses and poured sand in the gas tanks of bulldozers. One time I set a vintage Jaguar on fire just because some rich moron made the mistake of parking it on the street. Somewhere, and I'm not saying where, there's a $5,000 reward for information leading to my arrest.

But this was all years ago. I gave away all my Lifeforce and Earth Day t-shirts to Goodwill a long time ago. I have no idea where my copies of the "Anarchist Cookbook" and "The Monkey Wrench Gang" have gone off to. These days I only recycle because I can't fit all of my trash into a standard twenty-gallon can.

One day I guess I woke up and decided I didn't care where my Pert Plus bottles end up. There was an epiphany somewhere along the line, causing me to stop caring about the oppressed and impoverished peoples of wherever. Someday it'll happen to you too. I guarantee it. In fact, I'm willing to put a twenty-dollar bet on it. Anyone?

You rebel scum! You don't know the power of the Dark Side. Scream, publish, protest and tree-sit all you want; you'll never stop the mighty waters of progress. If you were raised in America, capitalism is your religion, the Gap insignia is your cross and Alan Greenspan is your god (I guess this might make Steve Jobs Jesus, Victoria and her Secret, Mary Magdalene and Michael Eisner, Moses. Never mind.). Buying Nike "Boing!" shoes and wolfing down Jack N the Box lard is what you were born to do. It's in your nature.

You're a cancer, a Judas, and you're making life for the rest of us miserable. We're depressed enough as it is. Most of us don't have the credit limit to buy everything we don't need and would never use; to satisfy a deep-seated consumerist craving that has been reinforced by the American media since birth. It's hard enough to pay for Prozac and Ritalin without you coming along and giving us a reason to spend even more money on mind-altering prescription drugs.

Just stop caring. It's simple. Bush version 2.0 is in the White House and the world's on a superhighway to the ninth layer of hell? So what? Someone's dumping raw sewage in your drinking water? Eh, sewage probably has plenty of vitamins and minerals. The steel-toed minions of countless faceless corporations are anally-raping your cat and Erin Brockovich is at the door with a subpoena in her hands? Who cares, MTV's"Jack Ass" is about to start.

Come on, there's plenty of space at the table; room for everyone to grow fat and stupid. All of your complaining will get the human race nowhere. Give in and give up already. Grab a Budweiser, a copy of the Beatles "1," and join the vast majority before you get yourself arrested and have to go begging to your parents for bail.

This is not to say that I'm a capitalist. Or a Republican. I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I may work for the Commentator, but I think these kids are as full of shit as anyone who's liberated a ferret, only to have it get hit by an SUV a few blocks from the lab. It's just a different brand of feces; scented instead of unscented, I guess. I hate the system as much as anyone, but I realize there's nothing a lifetime of petitioning and lobbying would do to change anything. You see, I'm an Apathet (not to be confused with a Nihilist, who believes in zealous self-improvement). I'm neither Left, Right or Middle. I was a Middlist for a while but then I grew tired of being torn between two words; my desire to hike in the woods and my biological need to wipe my butt with the toilet paper its trees provide. I've completely given up. I'm the one in infinite space eating Fritos while all the other sides go at it on the 2-dimensional political plane. And there's billions of other Nowhere Men, Women and Transgenders out there just like me.

How's that for a political allegory? So anyway, yeah, Republicans and capitalists are inherently evil and love to steal souls, pave over everything and all that, but damn if they don't know how to foster an environment for we Apathets to thrive in. They support my lethargy; that's why I won't be criticizing them any further.

But back to you, the pebble in the Doc Martens of so many who just don't give a damn. By trying to get us to acknowledge the chaos and crapulence all around us, you make us miserable and distract us from the important things in life: TV and other shiny things that make whirring noises. It's time for you to grow up and realize that it's impossible to blink in this country, or any other, without inadvertently exploiting someone or something, somewhere.

How many of you use toothpaste that was tested on countless innocent lab animals? How of many of you drink coffee and contribute to the soil erosion and human exploitation in South America? How many of you print your anti-capitalist rants on unrecycled newspaper and (Insurgent, this one's for you) haven't updated your publication's website in over a year. How many of you live in houses made out of wood and lit with hydroelectric power that has completely destroyed the Columbia river? How many of you are of European, African, Asian, South American, Australian or Antarctic descent and don't even belong on this continent in the first place? By merely sputtering the words, "I'm an environmentalist," you've branded yourself a hypocrite and a liar. Humans can't be environmentalist. The very notion of "saving the planet" is a complete antithesis of everything we are. There is no such thing as an environmentalist. They're humanists with inferiority complexes. The environment, a figurative entity conjured up by humanity, doesn't care about you and still won't care after humanity's dead and gone. So stop poking your noise in its business.

We're a virus, a cancer on this planet. We're lice with opposable thumbs and debit cards. By merely living on Earth, you're contributing to its destruction, no matter how many days a week you ride a bike to work. Recycle and protest all you want; you're still going to destroy an infinite amount more than you save.

If you really want to help out poor, old Mother Earth and maybe buy her a metaphorical colostomy bag and one of those motorized wheel-chairs Andy Rooney advertises on late night cable, there is only one thing you can do: Stop making more humans. That's right, no Mother's/Father's Day cards for you! Humans, by their nature are vain, destructive, greedy little monsters and no amount of recycled napkins is going to save them/us. The only things that's going to slow down humanity's descent is about 6 billion boxes of Trojan condoms, enough for everybody. The average person plows through two old-growth trees during their lifetime. If you really care, don't have kids; get a hamster instead. Or kill yourself.

And you thought you were extreme.

If the birth rate on this rock keeps increasing, things should start getting really interesting about 2105. Hopefully, by then the wizards in Washington will have found a way to fill the planet's oceans with cement. The Human Genome Project will lead to creation of people who can live off exhaust fumes.

Maybe there's still hope for us yet, if you want to call it that.

In conclusion, to hell with capitalism, socialism, nazism, religion, morality, nihilism and all beliefs and ethos; there simply isn't enough room here to print them all. Praise apathy! Fuck everything, I'm going home to watch Conan O'Brien tell poop jokes.

Love,
Brandon Hartley

Now, I'd like to contradict everything I've written in this article. Why? Just because.

WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE "YES" ON OSPIRG

Is OSPIRG corrupt? Yes. Is OSPIRG unaccountable? Most definitely. Does OSPIRG need your money? Of course not. The following are the only two reasons why the organization deserves funding (or at least the only two reasons I could come up with after a week of pondering).

1. You know who else is undeserving of your money? The ASUO Executive office. You can criticize OSPIRG's lobbying and stream walks all you want, but at least they get a teensy, weensy bit accomplished. The ASUO receives $222,197 a year in funding, compared to OSPIRG's relatively paltry $144,426. What does ASUO do with nearly twice OSPIRG's funding? Three times the amount of "nothing" OSPIRG accomplishes. When was the last time you saw anyone in Suite Four do anything but play with their iMacs and pad their resumes? What does all that money go towards? An annual "orientation" field trip for ASUO staffers, stipends and, well, that's about it. The rest must be going to some kind of shadowy off-campus location, just like the OSPIRG head office. There's no other way those kids could waste all that money every year.

Winning the Executive office on this campus is akin to winning a beauty contest. Both the ASUO president and Mrs. Oregon make the occasional public appearance in a pathetic attempt to justify their existences. Both are completely worthless, incompetent and unworthy of your attention and money. The Constitution Court deals with student grievances, the PFC and senate with funding for student organizations, thus leaving no relevant duties for the Executive office. $222,197 is way too much to give to a insignificant figurehead. If the ASUO deserves a chunk of the incidental fee, then so does OSPIRG.

2. A campus organization can only justify spending your money if you participate in whatever it is they blow all their funding on. If you don't read the Emerald, then it's not doing anything for you. It doesn't deserve your money. If you don't know what a "grievance" is then the senate doesn't deserve your money. If you don't attend OSPIRG informational meetings, then it's not doing anything for you. It doesn't deserve your money. None of these organizations merit any of your cash if you're not paying attention and would rather spend all of your time cuddling one those overpriced Hunky Dory glass pipes than participate in some lame extra-curricular activity. They shouldn't even be able to lay claim to that Taco Bell gift certificate in your wallet that technically has a monetary value of 1/1000 of a cent.

Given the fact that 95% of the campus could care less about the incidental fee or OSPIRG, it is as deserving of student money as any other group. If it's their money and they don't care where it's going, then neither should you. If you participate in the Honesty campaign, take down all of your posters (or let others tear them down for you) and shut up already.

With that out of the way, I really am going home to watch Conan. I wish Andy would come back. And Triumph the Insult Comic Dog too. Conan's nothing without them.

Brandon Hartley, a senior majoring in English, is a featured columnist for the Oregon Commentator