Commentary

$#@&%!

Listen up, liberals: Here's what conservatives think conservatives are doing wrong.

Listen up, conservatives: Here's what you're doing wrong.

By Jason Larimer

I am going to write a critique of conservatism from the viewpoint of a conservative. I think that in some ways a lot of what passes for conservatism these days is misguided. Also, I think that conservatism has a problem rallying popular indignation against leftist causes - especially in Eugene.

My ideas stem from my conviction that OSPIRG, WRC, and SETA do not represent a majority of students by a long shot. What's more, the vast majority of people in Eugene like Christmas Trees in City Hall. Some of them probably think Jim Johnson should have one himself - where the sun doesn't shine. Then why in the $#@&%! hell has this $#@&%! state become no more than a $#@&%! prostitute giving the juice to California.

Plainly put, the so-called conservatives everywhere in this state can be most ineffective at getting votes. They seem to think their main occupation is either preaching, stumbling around Seaside drunk as the Irish, or $#@&%! about how this state is filled with left-wing heathens who will roast in hell. Conservatives couldn't beat Goldschmidt, that $#@&%! lunatic Roberts, or that well-dressed Kitzhaber.

Here, a bunch of ASUO screwballs can $#@&%! around and lose the school 30 million dollars and no one seems to give a good $#@&%!. What the $#@&%! have campus conservatives done about it?

Effectively nothing. Year after year the eyes of students keep getting redder and redder because of that marijuana called Marx; and just plain marijuana. Why does this happen?

I've come to the conclusion that the left is able to market itself as everybody's best friend. They only want what is in the best interest of everyone and everything, Alaskan ice included. They exist to make sure no one is oppressed by the market, religions, or themselves. Unable to conceive that a free market benefits a society through spontaneous action they guarantee people state entitlements and social justice. Unfortunately, the so-called conservatives do not promise much better.

Think of it: we have a Republican president who wants to give churches money to help solve social problems. I wonder how quick it will take for that entitlement to get etched into the rock of expectations. Who knows, maybe the Anglicans will use the money to rid us of the Anabaptists and the Papist menace once and for all.

We have a whole group of so-called social conservatives who feel that the Bible would be the best law of the land. Apparently, learning that making graven images is wrong will heal all our social problems.

Finally, we have a whole brood of conservatives who argue for the repeal of the death tax because of fairness or the moral implications of political theory, a la George Will. Never mind this is straying into liberal territory by allowing mere ideals to take the place of hard-headed factual analysis. Well, at least it shows fairness of wealth distribution mustn't exist if it is two different things to two different groups of people.

Really, the whole problem boils down to the fact that most people do not desire to hurt others and the left seems to embody this idea perfectly. After all, they identify this idea with justice itself, a la John Rawls. The problem with conservatism is that it cannot embrace this leftist rant. When conservative politicians, such as George Bush, embrace some of the positions outlined above they dilute their own message of self-reliance, common sense, or letting social processes work themselves out.

Thus, the leftist alternative is more appealing to some as at least it has always been the same and seems to be the position of rebellion against inhumanity; though this is false. This perception is what hurts the conservative movement on campus. Young people yearn for the symmetry of nature. When they see someone like George Bush wanting to give money to churches for social work they smell a rat. They think; "isn't this the same group of people who was supposed to be against government intervention?" Of course, they also think; "why do conservatives stand up for special interests, all kinds really, though they advocate a laissez faire approach toward society?"

Of course, then it becomes very easy for anyone to be accused of kow-towing to corporate interests if they oppose OSPIRG or the WRC. If they happen to think that race is unimportant they are supporters of the KKK or Ronald Reagan's attempt to bring on Armageddon through arms shipments to Israel.

Thus I predict the fight against OSPIRG will probably be lost once more. So, how do we focus popular indignation against the left? I propose the following steps to accomplish that end.

1. Forget the religious-metaphysical part of things. Argue conservative causes in terms of meat and potatoes costs and benefits rather than airy notions of fairness or the will of Zeus.

2. Be consistent. If conservatives are supposed really believe that the best way to do something is to let free persons do it; then let them. Don't say you trust people, then give them money that necessarily carries restrictions.

3. Be Wary. Remember that politics is the art of the possible. Just because one conservative did something did not make it right, it was probably just expedient.

I would like to end by saying that the $#@&%! words in the beginning were meant to increase my readership. Knock yourself out trying to figure out what words I meant. Who knows, maybe they are vulgar.

Jason Larimer, a damned Communist in Libertarian clothing, is a staff writer for the Oregon Commentator.