It's Not What You Think

You's all seen it. It's been here for as long as anyone can remember: the opportunity to earn quick cash, courtesy of a highly questionable classified ad in the Ol' Dirty Emerald.

Has anyone ever actually taken advantage of this golden opportunity? Well we here at the Commentator gave it a shot, and let us tell you: the sweet taste of Knob Hill whisky on your lips never felt so sweet when it comes to you almost free. Here's what happened.

Random Male Voice: Hello?
Oregon Commentator: Um...yeah...
RMV: Who is this?
OC: Not important, I'm calling to inquire about your ad in the Emerald Classifieds.
RMV: Yeah, that's me... you sound a bit masculine. Who are you calling on behalf of?
OC: Me actually, I can make one helluva woman. I even went in full drag to "Rocky Horror" once.
RMV: What's your shoe size?
OC: Um...9 ½?
RMV: Meet me on the corner of 14th and Mill at 8 o' clock tonight. Bring no on but yourself.
*CLICK*

A little confused, a bit scared, I toweled off my extremities and headed to the rendezvous at the correct time. I was promptly met by a '76 Dodge half-ton rusty blue pickup, driven by a man who bore a unique resemblance to A.J. Feeley.

We sputtered off into the sunset, only to stop in the deep suburbs of Springfield at a lovely bungalow in the price range of $400.00 a month (one bedroom, 1/2 bathroom).

What followed cannot be put into words... the lights, the music, the spontaneity of it all. I felt used. I was contorted into positions I had never known possible. There were flashing images on the television that were capable of enticing those grounded in religion to pray for forgiveness. The children, the noisy screaming little ones that were all about me.

After four grueling hours it was all over. The man in the rickety Dodge shuddered to a halt in the driveway and entered his haven. I crawled to the door to meet him.

RMV: How was it? Did they behave?
OC: I wanna go home!
RMV: (chuckling) Yeah, they sure are heathens. Here's 30 bucks, thanks for the evening. You available Saturday?
OC: I'll get back to you on it.

It was a win-win situation. The "filmmaker" got to go out and make his movies, where ever he was, and I survived. If I ever have kids, I will make sure and pay my babysitter double every night.

Mmm...XFLicious!

The first Saturday in February Vince McMahon premiered his newest project - the XFL. Part football, part wrestling and part strip-club, the XFL debut was part entertainment.

Touted as a return to the smashmouth football of the '60s and '70s, the XFL seemed little different than the NFL - except maybe for the almost-naked cheerleaders, unique angles from the hovering camera and pyrotechnic displays.

Rule changes made in an attempt to liven up play had minimal effects. Live punts, head slaps, no knee-first, safe slides for quarterbacks, no free catches? One might believe that this would result in some great collisions resulting in some gruesome injuries, right? Wrong. The weekend's games were less violent and exciting than January's NFL Super Bowl - a game that had a record-breaking 21 punts.

At least we knew one player on the field in Tampa was violent. Really violent - out of prison only due to the depth of his wallet.

Given the second-rate players and serious lack of the much-advertised "smashmouth football," it's amazing over 50 million viewers tuned in on opening day.

Ratings for the weekend shattered all expectations by the league, and not surprisingly. The ratings of 9.5 - more than double the targeted rankings of between 4.0 and 4.5 - were the highest for the network since the September 2000 Sydney Olympics. Ratings for the second weekend were... hey, did we mention those first-week ratings?

Some call it innovative. Some call it good marketing. Some call it destined for the TV graveyard. Other professional football leagues have sprung up in the past. Can you name any of them?