Dear OC,
I just spent part of my lunch reading your golfing-under-the-influence story to discover the only people you make fun of are yourselves. I expect much more from you. Is there any way you could credit me for the time I lost reading that story?

A. Faithful Reader

Sure, come on by the office anytime and we'll take you out for 9 holes at Laurelwood on us. We'll also send an intrepid staff writer along to document your golfing hijinks. Do us and favor and try to be entertaining. If we can't make fun of ourselves, then we're going to have to trash your dumb-ass.

-Ed.

To the staff of the Oregon Commentator:

I recently picked up and read the Commentator for the first time (Volume XVIII, Issue V). I overlook most campus publications because I automatically assume they are full of bullshit hippy jargon. Much to my surprise, your publication was not loaded with this most unpleasant substance. For this I would like to give you my gratitude.

Until recently I had been exposed primarily to the other element of this campus, and likewise, this city: the self-righteous, complain-more-for-the-sake-of-complaining-than-for-the-sake-of-change, hippy scum. In other words, those who put the hippy in HIPPocrisY. Allow me to illustrate. These are the people who demonstrate their own righteousness by both preferring vegetarian substitutes for meat products while at the same time protesting the questionable business practices of Garden Burger. These are the people who only eat vegetables because it's wrong to kill animals for food, but it's not wrong to kill plants for food. Oh, but it is wrong to kill plants for lumber. Vegetarian Treehuggers: people who only eat plants, but argue for the preservation of the life of, yep, plants.

These are the people who look a gift horse like Phil Knight in the mouth. Guess what, we all know he's an asshole, only now he's an asshole that doesn't contribute to our school (unless anything's changed on this matter. I make it a point not to devote very much of my time and attention to campus politics). And those people that work in Knight's factories overseas are not employed against their will. If there were better paying jobs available to them they would take those. And if Phil Knight had to pay them any more for their work, then he wouldn't be over there in the first place, in which case they'd either be unemployed or working for less ('cause like I said, if they could work elsewhere for more, they would).

I would also like to applaud the staff there, particularly Brandon Hartley, for his work on "The Phallic Wars." I appreciate your trashing of the stubborn and unrealistic academic practice of discrediting fine works with allegations of controversial symbolism which simply isn't there. I commend you for your exposure and mockery of this "bullshit academia," as I feel it is yet another self-righteous pursuit that exists, among other places, on this campus.

To the self-righteous readers of this letter (if there should happen to be any, and I certainly hope there are), call me a Nazi, call me a monster, call me whatever you like. I simply prefer being realistic and rational to being idealistic and irrational.

Now while your publication may not represent all of my sentiments, what I gathered from reading it is that it does represent many of them, and for that I thank you people. I gather that you value realistic and rational thought and that you do not value irrational and idealistic, or as you say, utopian thought. Keep up the good work.

Oh, and for all you self-righteous complainers, I know I misspelled both "hippie" and "hypocrisy," so no need to break out the dictionary so as to be absolutely positive about it when you submit responses that, among other things, correct my spelling.

OC, Thanks again.
The Devil's Advocate

Despite your conservative facade, it's quite obvious that you, Mr. Advocate, are a ranting liberal. After all, only a tree-hugging dolphin-lover would print his letters on environmentally-friendly recycled paper. A true conservative would use the stretched and tanned hides of endangered animals for his pallet. Also, we hate to be self-righteous about it, but you misspelled both "hippie" and "hypocrisy." Maybe if you weren't so busy chaining yourself to old growths you'd take the time to run a spell check.

-Ed.

Love us? Hate us?
Just want to see your beautiful prose in print?

Send a letter to:
editor@oregoncommentator.com
or
Oregon Commentator
P.O. Box 30128
Eugene, OR, 97403

Try to keep it clean - this is a family magazine, of course. And it wouldn't hurt you to use your real name, either.