That's right, jackass. This is our letters page. What are you going to do about it?

Dear Oregon Commentator,

Whut's up in the heazy? Big Snoop Dogg here, just wanted to show a little westsiiiiidddddeee love for putting me up in the Spew last issue. The DPG and the LBC are all down with the OC, ya dig? Yo, anytime you want to smoke out, just give his royal Doggfather a call, and I'll be there with some of that sweet sticky-icky California sunshine. Fo' shizzle, my nizzle...

-Snoop Dogg
Long Beach, California

OC: No problem Snoop. Ain't nuthing but an "OC" thang, baby.

Dear Oregon Commentator,

Hey, where has Hatoon disappeared to? I haven't seen her in front of the library for weeks now. I checked the trash bins behind 7-11, and she wasn't there either. What gives?

-Erik Johnson
Freshman, Law

OC: Hatoon is alive and well, thanks for asking. She is now replying to letters for the Oregon Commentator. Why are you asking about her? Are you a spy? Who sent you? It was that rogue Howard Hughes wasn't it? We're not giving him his urine back, and that's final.

Dear Oregon Commentator,

I read on the bathroom wall in Taylor's that for a good time, I should be sure to call 346-RIDE. Is this true? The last time I called a number I found in a bathroom stall, I got hooked up with an ex-con equally obsessed with sodomy and his mother. Can lightning strike twice?

-Frank Carson
Sophomore, Education

OC: We can't legally encourage you to call somebody like that. But, if you do call, ask for Big Willie. Tell him you like animals. You won't be disappointed.

Dear Oregon Commentator,

Still waiting for your check to clear. We are more than happy to host your staff parties, but from now on we will insist that you pay at least half the bill ahead of time. Also, despite the name, our dancers don't appreciate having change thrown at them on stage. Dollar bills will be just fine, thank you. Regarding the message you left on our machine, I can guarantee that no member of your party picked up gonorrhea from our girls. Watch out for those Jiggles skanks, though.

-Silver Dollar Club
Eugene, OR

OC: Gona-what? Is that why it hurts when I pee?

Dear Oregon Commentator,

I pity the Commentator. Mr. T be talking the jibba-jabba all the time, yet is Mr. T in the Spew? NO. Mr. T will snap you in half like a toothpick, then floss his teeth with you. I eat suckas for breakfast with my corn flakes. You suckas just won the whoop-ass lottery. That's with a heavy dosage of whoop.

-Mr. T
Chicago

OC: That's an error that's easily correctable, big guy. Hey, your performance in "Rocky III" really elevated that movie to "Rocky I" and "Rocky II" status. Dolph Lundgren has nothing on you.