The Oregon Commentator Goes Golfing

Following the first hole, we retire to the cart, drink some Ezra Brooks 90-proof bourbon with Castillo spiced rum and take the Booze Express to the following tee box. Forty-five minutes after leaving the first tee, we now approach the second, and at this time maintaining order still seems possible. Pete can still find his own ball. His pants are clean and his clubs remain unbroken... but for how long?

The players, from L to R: Bill, Jeremy, Aaron, Ben, Pete.

Hole 2: 328-yard, simple-enough, straight-ahead par-4.

3:25 p.m. Second tee box

We take a few moments here to adjust Bill's grip, stance and thought process regarding the striking of the ball. On the next swing, he smacks one about 150 yards down the fairway. "Oh, so that's how it's done. Look out, Tiger!" he bellows.

Pete becomes obsessive about his alcohol, so much so that he begins fighting Jeremy for his booze. Pete challenges Bill to a game of light sabers with the golf clubs. Pete manages to cut off Bill's left arm and leg, before Bill rallies to victory.

While still in the process of getting everyone ready to stop drinking and start teeing off, Pete begins to take off in one of the carts. Had we not been so busy drinking rum and whiskey in an attempt to avoid the sober state, we might have thought to keep an eye on Pete's level of intake.

This being the point where Pete begins to fall down; we find it only fair to keep an ongoing count. Falls one, two and three all occur on the second tee box.

After wrestling Pete out of the cart's drivers seat, we proceed down the fairway, but not by any means quickly. Keeping an eye out for each ball has become a difficult task. If Bill doesn't think that it is his "white" ball, Pete has begun to knowingly hit balls of other players. He says it's cool and he's only trying to help.

Pete loses his grip on his club and it ends up spiked into the ground like a javelin.

The betting begins: About 200 yards into the second hole, with approximately 145 yards left to the green, Pete feels the urge to lose some money. After attempting yet again to play Aaron's ball, Pete calls for a bet of $5 American between himself and Aaron to see who can get the ball closest to the hole. Other suggest they bet Canadian. The high-stakes pressure must have gotten to him, as he muffs one 25 yards down the fairway. Over the large tree on the right side of the fairway just before the green, Aaron swings an 8-iron and puts his ball front right on the green. Looks like Pete now owes him $5 - and that's American.

Following the second shots, our first cart collision occurs, as one OC editor attempts to follow the rules and put the cart back on the path - only to be rear-ended by the other cart.

Pete steals Jeremy's ball.

Pete falls for the seventh time.

Pete falls again. Eight.

Pete slides back into gambling mode and calls for a five-peso bet that he can putt his ball into the hole in one try. Aaron immediately jumps on the opportunity, even if he has nowhere to spend them nearby - maybe Taco Bell. The putt... the miss. Make that $5 U.S. and 5 pesos.

Hole 3: The play-through... Dog lady... Bark, growl, bark... more falling down.

An elderly woman crosses our path, and wisely avoids the cart path as we move through - her growling little brown and white dog that looks like Wishbone. Wait, maybe it was Wishbone - what in the hell was that dog thinking about us?

Pete takes a flying leap off a moving cart, bringing the current fall total to nine.

The dog attacks Sho, our fearless photographer.

Ben - colorblind and playing a pink, Flying Lady ball - puts it out in the middle and proceeds down the fairway to his ball. Only to be hit by Pete's ball. Audio records the following: "Pete has hit me with his club and his ball now."

Two sets of clubs have been lost off the back of the carts. We let some guy - eyeing us suspiciously and probably ready to report us - play through as proper etiquette requires. We might be drunk, but we can still follow the rules.

Pete and Jeremy place a bet on the man playing through. Jeremy wins and Pete strangles him with a 7-iron.

This Pete guy seems to be getting a little drunker than the rest of us. Two editors deem it necessary to play catch up. Back to back to back they each take three pulls off the whiskey bottle. Real drunks don't like to be behind in this sort of game.

Pete throws a club at Ben, then hits the cart with a golf ball. Pete loses his ball on the third hole but still plays. He can hit those divots pretty far down the course.

We approach the green and all put our balls in with relative ease. Not with the relative ease that one would see on a PGA tour event on Saturday afternoon, but with relative ease for the inescapable mayhem that seems fast approaching.

"I'm ready to out-golf ya," Pete proclaims. "Like, you've made a lot of money off me, but so far I think I'm ahead of the game - because I've been putting, I've been driving and I've been shooting. If you combine all three aspects, that's where you get into the game." Sage advice.

Sounds like Pete needs another drink. Maybe not - as he pours half his pull on his shirt.

?:?? p.m. Time has no meaning any longer.

Hole 4: A straight, 290-yard par-4.

This is the point in the round where things start to get a little crazy. By this time Pete is completely incapable of putting his own ball on the tee, not to mention standing up on his own. Before dancing with the tree near the fourth hole's tee box, Pete somehow manages to break his 5-wood.

Somebody:"Oh, shit! You're going to have to pay for those, Pete." Luckily Pete has to pay no money - beside the $5 American and 5 pesos he lost to Aaron, because he brought his own clubs.

On the fourth hole tee box, Pete is officially cut off.

Things are getting a little out of hand now as two golfers attempt to tee off together - with little luck. After a photo-op suggestion from Bill, the course drunk, Pete, now attempts to hit not his ball, but the large plastic ball that marks the tee area. They might be a little easier to hit, but that definitely will not keep you in friendly with the pro shop staff. Pete gets into a duel with a tree and passes out in the mud.

While other golfers tee off - or rather, attempt to - good old drunken Pete lies in the mud with his fly down. Thanks to a little help from another golfer's club - we dare not say whose - Pete is able to keep up with the rest of the group.

However, his next attempt proves that Pete is done golfing. He swings and misses; he swings and misses. On his final attempt he swings, misses and simultaneously throws his club into the bush behind him.

As one editor inquires into whether he has been successful in giving out all the requested cigarettes, one intoxicated staff writer inquires if anyone has a joint. He claims that it will mellow him out - we'll assume, from the amount of puke he's fertilizing the grass with, that he'll be mellowed out soon enough.

Hole 5: slightly uphill drive along a hillside, 390-yard par-4.

Tee-off goes fairly smoothly, as Pete rolls around on the ground, possibly trying to stand. From this point on,fall-downs are no longer recorded.

While Aaron and Bill dodge Pete's lunges, Ben chases his pink ball down the range and Jeremy takes off in one of the carts to finish the hole.

Aaron: Pete's running to the green... and, that's not your ball! And Jeremy falls again! It's that same patch of mud.

Pete wants to drive the cart. Bill hides the keys and tells him that Sho has them. Sho flees.

Memory here is more than a little blurry. The audio tape and score card are somewhat helpful in piecing together the following events.

Hole 6: A deceptively tough par-3, 152-yard curve around a dog-leg corner right.

No one is really sure what happens here. Jeremy and Bill take off in the cart up to the green in search of their Titleists. This might have happened on Hole 5.

Sho commandeers the golf cart.

Sho: Asian driver! Asian driver! Look out!

Pete is now behind the wheel of a cart. No one remembers whose idea it was to let Pete drive, or at least no one will own up to it. The audio tape records the following:

Aaron: Way to go, Pete!
Pete: Thank you, dude.
Aaron: Pete, hit the gas.
Pete: [Unintelligible]
Aaron: Not again! Not again! Not again! Pete, lay off the gas, lay off the gas... we're gonna die!!!

Pete dives into a garbage can, headfirst.

Aaron: Pete just about killed our other members in the other cart, and we're onto the tee. As Pete humps the bench... and is into the trash can - dude, hold him in there, don't let him get out! Get a picture! Oh, and he's puking, too, yeah! He's puking!

This is about the end of recorded playing. What follows is a transcript of various conversations that occurred between the tee-off of Hole 6 and the next morning:

Aaron: Bill finds his ball. Ben finds his ball. They're both tired. To the seventh hole. Is this the seventh hole, Sho?

Aaron: Where did Pete go? Anybody? Where did Pete go? I don't know.
Jeremy: He's there standing naked in the middle of the fairway. Pete put some clothes on!
Ben: Pete are you in the bushes?
Bill: He went out to that old abandoned house. Or maybe he passed out in the golf cart.

Bill: Marijuana. Sho, with his camera. I just spit on my arm.

Aaron: Pete, you have three more holes to deal with. Are you going to play?
Pete: What hole are we on? Is the sixth hole?
Aaron: This is the sixth hole. We're going to play till it's dark.
Pete: It is dark. Can you just drive me back to the club house?
Aaron: Your clubs are in the bag, dude, you don't need to go.
Pete: I've got to puke though.
Aaron: You can puke right out the side. We've some Coke if you need some Coke to help you puke.
Pete: What about blankets? I don't want to puke if I don't have blankets.
Jeremy: Tell him about how you danced naked on the last whole.
Pete: I danced naked. I did the Hakuna Matata.