Spew

On Unchallenged Certifications

Joan [Saylor] can't even write her own name without misspelling it... I've never seen anyone so horrible with grammar. She's never gotten a 'here' and 'hear' or 'there' and 'their' right.
-Former DPS officer Kim Maynard, on linguistically-challenged Administrative Lieutanent Joan Saylor.

She's the worst speller. Run a grammar-check, she still screws up. But well, besides that I think she's certifiably insane.
-Maynard, continued. Crazier than Hatoon? Well, Saylor's chosen place of employment is the Department of Public Safety, after all. After this issue, the front of the Knight Library looks pretty comfortable in comparison.

On Being Digital

I hate technology!
-ODE editorializer Pat Payne, AKA Capt. Sensible, storming out of the Allen Hall Brainerd computer lab. Just because you can't figure out a laser printer doesn't mean you should curse all of technological advancement, Pat. Some of Payne's political arguments are a little screwy, but we never took him for a Unabomber-style primitive anarchist.

On Lowest Common Denominators

Let me say that as a 43-year-old fan of the Backstreet Boys and a member of the Mature Fan Club for Backstreet Boys, there are many older fans out there who love the guys as much as the younger fans.
-Becky Coyle of Zanesville, Ohio, in a November 24 letter to USA Today. Now here's a blatant example of a societal double-standard: NAMBLA gets hauled into court for $200 million while the MFCBB gets to traipse about all over the editorial page of the nation's largest-circulated newspaper? For shame!

On Raison D'Être

The purpose of crack cocaine is to bring down property values in communities.
-A local hippie at the mini-market on 11th and Patterson "tellin' it like it is." What have you been smoking? The purpose of crack cocaine is get you really, really high. Obviously.

On Natural Causes

More than 20,000 Russians died of alcohol poisoning in the first seven months of this year, a rise of more than 43 percent from the same period last year -From the Reuter's article, "More Russians Drinking Themselves to Death." 43 percent isn't bad, but it's still a few percentage points shy of the Commentator alumni.

On Kitsch Turks

With this being the closest presidential vote ever, experts anticipate these irreverent "Indecision 2000" stamps could become the most sought after presidential collectible of all time.
-Press release emailed from the International Collectors Society, peddling a series of Turkmenistanian postage stamps featuring George W. Bush and Al Gore. The experts agree: prepare to surrender your wallets.

The only thing Republicans and Democrats can agree on is that these colorful postage stamps are a terrific way for everyone to remember the most extraordinary U.S. election ever!
-International Collectors Society, continued. The experts agree: this is just as stupid as the email solicitations to make 40K a month stuffing envelopes.

On Nothing To Lose But Their

U of O Campus Forest Action Group Begins Campaign Against Staples
-From the October 2000 Insurgent. Finally, there's someone brave enough to stand up against the tyranny of the staple industrial-complex! ÁViva la paper clips! Actually, what they meant was the office supply store Staples, but then our friends down in Suite One have never bothered much with clarity.

Register-Guard, Register-Guard, Frontline Information Service, Frontline Information Service, CNN, CNN, CNN, CNN, CNN
-The sources of information for the LefTurNews section in the same Insurgent. So much for the corporate media covering up all the good stories, huh? Oh yeah, maybe you'd get something done - like put together a decent publication - if you got your ass up and out from in front of the TV.

On Wildmanisms

You can kill a pit bull if you boil it long enough.
-Prof. Jim Blanchard in PEOL 285, Wilderness Survival.

I really wish I had a button up here I could push that would release some ether in the hallway, then, just boom - silence.
-Blanchard again, in Wilderness Survival.

On WRCrapulence

A crucial problem for the anti-corporate movement is how to appeal to a wider public without reducing politics to shopping.
-Excerpt from a discarded sheet of paper in the EMU computer lab. Is reducing politics to shopping such a bad thing? You know, if everybody was out at the mall on Election Day, we wouldn't be in this godawful mess right now.