Editorial

All Apologies

Got beef? No problem. The Commentator responds to reader concerns.

Recent rants in the letter pages of the Emerald have convinced us that we are certainly guilty of some elitist behaviour. Here at the Commentator we feel terrible about our past behavior and, under new management, have arrived at a list of apologies for past transgressions. The Commentator regrets the error.

We apologize for:

The ASUO Elections
The process by which we choose two students with too much ego and not enough intelligence has once again wrought unspeakable horrors, and as usual the true victims are the students. We take full responsibility for the part we played in that whole ordeal, including putting up several candidates from our own ranks, publicly endorsing a losing candidate and dignifying the whole process with a drop of ink. The ASUO has a multi-million dollar budget, directly affects the life of every student on campus through the massive taxation of the student incidental fee and is a perennial tribute to modern liberal anti-logic, and we had some part in trying to change that. Apparently the saying is true: the best laid plans won't always get you laid the way you planned.

The Firing of Jody Runge
Sure, some say that the women's basketball coach brought about her own dismissal from the University through a pattern of treating her players like Iditerod wolf hounds and generally behaving like a petulant eight-year-old. But we don't accept that premise on its face. Here at the Commentator we believe that the coach of a Title IX program should remember where her bread is buttered, but at the same time we feel just awful for never having attended a women's game in protest of her slave-driver style. Oh, wait. We ignored the women's game because it's just not interesting. Our bad.

Rape Culture
We apologize for the entirety of rape culture, as it's commonly defined in that politically-correct nebulous that reigns supreme around these parts. The Ol' Dirty has spent quite a bit of time recently on the subject and we thought we would accept culpability for our role. We still watch dirty movies (see "Forgotten Pornos" April 16. By Pete Hunt), listen to Eminem lyrics, enjoy our classic Andrew Dice Clay tapes and we have a deep and abiding love for supposedly misogynistic Gangsta Rap. Sometimes we like to look at pretty girls, which, according to liberals, plays a large part in rape culture. While there is no way in hell the Commentator would ever publicly or privately condone anything but consensual sex, some behaviors we engage in, such as breathing, thinking, laughing, coughing and speaking have some part in rape culture.

The China Crisis and Downed U.S. Plane
We fly a little too close to the sun with our humor, and apparently we help Chinese pilots fly a little too close to American spy planes. But that's not what we're truly sorry for. We're sorry for encouraging spying on your Commie-ass country, Mr. Mao. We thought we'd keep an eye on your American-designed rocket technology and massive army movements. Yeah, it's in our nation's strategic interests, but it took formal "regrets" from Colin Powell and George W. Bush to get the crew back so we thought we'd see if formal apologies, combined with a massive trade deficit, could retrieve the plane and a heapin' helpin' of chicken chown mein. A bit too much nationalism on the part of that ever-growing population known as "the people" had quite a bit to do with our anger on the issue, but then again we take full responsibility.

Register-Guard Labor Problems
Slave labor. Atrocious working conditions. No unearned benefits. These are some of the values we hold dear. There's always room for reasonable people to disagree, but we think that when an employee accepts a job there's a reasonable assumption that they'll complete that task without bitching and moaning in true self-indulgent Taft-Hartley style. The Bakers, namesake of Alton Baker Park and owners of the Red Guard, have been good members of this community and probably deserve better than they've received through this labor dispute. We're sorry we don't have the dictatorial powers to resolve this issue and move onto more important issues, like whether or not Godzilla could still destroy Mothra. It's three-to-two and pick 'em.

NYPD, LAPD, Cincinnati PD
Some of the Commentator's staff members are white males. Therefore we share in the angst over the racial strife brought about by the violence of the police forces of America. We think there's no good reason to blame a minority's death on random circumstance when it's so easy to blame on some poor sap who's committed their entire life to the betterment of public safety. That's a ridiculous notion, anyway, to believe in public service and the ability to simultaneously defend one's self on the serene urban streets of America is possible. And, riots are too cool for school.

California Power Crisis
The Commentator, with its massive political machinery, overstepped its bounds this time and provoked a capitalist action after decades upon decades of quasi-socialist political movements put into place infrastructural barriers to free market effectiveness in the energy market. So we're sorry if an attempt at capitalism, after a scarring bastardization by leftist legislative maneuvers, didn't work as perfectly as everyone would have preferred and surprisingly led to rampant media claims that once again those wacky ideas known as "market forces" just didn't hold true.

The Portland Trail Blazers
For long suffering Blazer fans, the season truly started on a bad note. Brian Grant, the perennial fan favorite "Rasta Monsta," was traded for Shawn Kemp, the perennially overweight "Pasta Monsta." As of press time, Shawn was the father of more children than Brigham Young and Joseph Smith combined. Many thought the Kemp trade marked an all time low in Blaze history, but somehow Shawn and company found up a shovel and started to dig. Rasheed Wallace managed to get fouled every time he set foot on the court, or so he seemed to think. Even when Rasheed couldn't find the bucket, he could find a ref to bitch at, setting a new league record for technical fouls. Pippen, poised to be team leader last year, was non-existent during the regular season. Perhaps his heart was in Washington, praying for a Jordan comeback. Steve Smith, Horace Grant, Arvydas Sabonis and the rest of the gang at least managed to suck consistently. The only bright spot of the season was Bonzi Wells, who managed to rise above the bickering of his cohorts and shoot an incredible 53% from the field. As Blazer luck would have it, he went out with an injury just before the playoffs, ruining any chance for a real run against the Lakers. Oh well, there's always next year, assuming Jordan ditches the Wizards and heads to the City of Roses. Where does the Commentator enter into all of this? Well… somebody had to provide those eight-balls of coke to Kemp, right?

Apology Addendum

We're Also Sorry For:

The modern welfare state
Oregon's terrible weather
Dude, Where's My Car?
Woody Harrelson's 4-20 campus appearance
Mayor Jim Torrey's excessive obesity
Bruce Miller's existence
Oregon Daily Emerald's Editor-In-Chief-to-be
Jessica Blanchard's lazy eye and salty personality.
No Limit Records
That twenty bag we shorted you on
The Wow Hall and bands we've never heard of, or want to, for that matter
Princess Di. Who knew there was so much in a name?
Our unhealthy desire for Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
That terrible rash we gave you. Honest, we thought we were clean, but one too many nights at Rennie's and look at the fallout.
Actually, we take that back. Our desire is very healthy.
The Minus World in the original Super Mario Brothers Nintendo game. Don't know what we mean? Step off.
Woody Harrelson's 4/20 campus appearance
Bill O'Reilly
The Mummy Returns
Freddie Prinze Jr.'s entire career
George magazine
The Steven Weber Show
OSPIRG
Chuck Hunt
Jeff Oliver
Hannity and Colmes
Tim Russert
Axl Rose, post-1990
Media Ethics
John Stockton
Temptation Island
and... Mason West