Stats That Shape Your Life

844
Number of students who believed
being an ethnic female
was a job qualification

808
Students who let idealogy
overcome reason and logic

601
Students who are scared
to death of squirrels

752
Students who care about how
their incidental fees are spent

476
Students who are members of MENSA

16,440
Students who don't give a
rat's ass bout the ASUO

Commentary

Blind Leading the Blind

The campus elite has spoken, the puppet masters have pulled the strings, now dance pinko, dance.

By Brian Ouellette

At the beginning of spring term, another ASUO election was finalized. Let's give a warm round of applause to the victors and a hearty congratulations to the also-rans. Okay, that's enough of the pleasantries. Let's get down to business. This election was the same as it has been for the last four years, ironically the same amount of time I have been attending this university. Perhaps it was like this before my time, but only eighth-year seniors can accurately tell. I'll have to ask Autumn DePoe.

How was it the same? Again, the Constitution Court got involved, OSPIRG somehow snuck onto the ballot, and the winners of the election for ASUO Executive will be a tag team of people who you just couldn't see getting laid. So much for being a figurehead of the University.

Let's take a look at the Contenders and see how they all fared.

Jacobson/Cook: Bret and Matt ran on a platform that seemed to be promising due to the fact that they had rationality and intelligence on their side. Unfortunately, attending a public university with less-than-standard entrance qualifications squandered the pair's chances of playing this powerful card. While hiking through the African rainforests they were bitten by the deadly insect Grievance Annoyous and had to go to the Constitutional Court to see if they violated international treaties in visiting local dorms to deliver fermented beverages to attractive freshmen. This is usually accepted behavior by the elderly students on campus, but jealousy in the form of the Bailey/Oliver-spawned Grievance Annoyous outbreak. (You see, Oliver and Bailey didn't have attractive freshmen to which they could deliver Mickey's.) After having to spend almost illegal amounts of time in the land of Tauber, Austin, and the rest of the elections board, they were successfully cured and allowed to finish their campaign run. They made it to the NBA Finals and lost a tough game four to the L.A. Lakers.

Brooklyn/Nair: These two ran on the platform of being women and supporting diversity, which gave them enormous support from those who voted. Boy and Hilda appealed to the voters because their platform was easy to understand and people could relate to it. In fact, their platform allowed for the ideology that any two females could have run with the same platform and won. Unfortunately, they also had to suffer through the outbreak of G.A. The Cigarette-Smoking Man called in a tip that the tag team was soliciting votes in the ASUO office. Meaning that they were campaigning in not only an illegal spot, but also wasting time and money when they are supposed to be doing something else. Of course it is the ASUO, so I'm sure we didn't miss anything. I can relate to them on this point because during my office hours I pretend I'm Skeletor while consuming Yellow Jackets and beer and throwing grapes out my window (this is one of the few honest sentences in this article). Apparently, so could the Elections Board, as Hilda and Boy got to stay on the ballot and eventually ran out the clock for a successful victory over the contenders, and allowing for the first transfer of an all-female ASUO presidency to be replaced by an all-female ASUO presidency.

Bailey/Oliver: The most irrelevant of all tickets, these two ran on the ideals of past highly successful campaigns, such as CJ and Peter. With a lack of any stances on any issues pertaining to campus, overspending on advertising and clothing lines and interrupting soccer games so they could take pictures by the goals as if they were involved in some sort of way, they were laughed out of the political spectrum.

Sho Ikeda: Sho was the dark horse of the election. He was one of the few people involved in the election that got people who normally didn't vote to actually come out and vote. Unfortunately, his view didn't really fit in with about 90 percent of the campus population, so he was unable to complete his dream. Sho went and saw Spike Lee talk and has since fled Eugene and can now be found in the streets of Brooklyn, preaching his gospel to those who would listen.

Approximately 1500 people voted in this year's ASUO election. That breaks down to a very small minority of those who actually attend the University. Again, the stats prove the declarations of all those who have complained over the years. The apathetic actually won this election. Nilda and Joy are not the true presidents, and neither are Brett and Matt. The truth is, no one really knows who the leaders are. There is a collective that deals with a huge conglomerate of cash, and pitches it out to whomever they deem fit, but since only the activist community votes, only the activists get the money whether they deserve it or not. My contention: The ASUO and those who are active in it are equivalent to the barnacles on the bottom of my surfboard (excluding Jennifer Greenough).

Example one: OSPIRG once again got back onto the ballot, and despite the gallant efforts of the HONESTY campaign, which attempted to prove that OSPIRG was in fact an exuberant waste of money and that the local leader is the evil clone of Cookie Monster, or maybe Grimace from the McDonalds commercials. While the activist community on campus did not seem to heed the advice and pass the ballot measure, the rest of the community, whether they believed it or not, refused to partake in an association that is illegitimate and childish. The people did not win. They lost. Hard.

Example two: The people running for ASUO presidency were as immature as a child in a candy store. One only had to read the editorials in the ODE to see that facet. Secondly, it takes a lot of balls politically to issue a grievance against your opponent. If that doesn't scream "wussy" I can't possibly comprehend what does.

Example three: When was the last time Everclear was on campus?? Oh, wait. Not too long ago…Bring 'em back! If you do that, I'll stand up for the ASUO steadfastly!

Unfortunately, when all is said and done, large amounts of our money are still being spent upon wasteful bureaucracy and the elected will do absolutely nothing about it. After this electoral session the ASUO is still circling the drain. Unfortunately, I cannot see its demise in the future because all schools demand this sort of thing. Perhaps one day we will have a legitimate one, but not in my time here.

Brian Ouellette, first in line for The Mummy Returns, is a staff writer the Oregon Commentator.