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Greene's Groats-worth of Wit

Robert Greene.

Note: this Renascence Editions text was transcribed by Risa S. Bear, August 2000, from the text of the Wright edition of 1592 (S.T.C. No. 12245) and checked against that of Elizabethan & Jacobean Pamphlets, edited by George Saintsbury, 1892, which is the Thomas Creede edition of 1596. Any errors that have crept into the transcription are the fault of the present publisher. The text is in the public domain. Content unique to this presentation is copyright © 2000 The University of Oregon. For nonprofit and educational uses only. Send comments and corrections to the Publisher.

Haue published heere Gentlemen for your mirth and benefite Greenes groates worth of wit. VVith sundry of his pleasant discourses, ye haue beene before delighted: But now hath death giuen a period to his pen: onely this happened into my handes which I haue published for your pleasures: Accept it fauourably because it was his last birth and not least worth: In my poore opinion. But I will cease to praise that which is aboue my conceipt, and leaue it selfe to speake for it selfe: and so abide your learned censuring.

Yours VV. VV.

Entlemen. The Swan sings melodiously before death, that in all his life vseth but a iarring sound. Greene though able inough to write, yet deeplyer searched with sickenes than euer heeretofore, sendes you his Swanne like songe, for that he feares he shal ne[u]er againe carroll to you woonted loue layes, neuer againe discouer to you youths pleasures. How euer yet sickenesse, riot, Incontinence, haue at once shown their extremitie, yet if I recouer, you shall all see, more fresh sprigs, then euer sprang from me, directing you how to liue, yet not diswading ye from loue. This is the last I haue writ, and I feare me the last I shall writ[e]. And how euer I haue beene censured for some of my former bookes, yet Gentlemen I protest, they were as I had speciall information. But passing them, I commend this to your fauourable censures, and like an Embrion without shape, I feare me will be thrust into the world. If I liue to ende it, it shall be otherwise: if not, yet will I commend it to your courtesies, that you may as well be acquainted with my repentant death, as you haue lamented my careles course of life. But as Nemo ante obitum felix, so Acta Exitus probat: Beseeching therefore to be deemed heereof as I deserue, I leaue the worke to your likinges, and leaue you to your delightes.

N an Iland bounded with the Ocean there was sometime a Cittie situated, made riche by Marchandize, and populous by long peace: the name is not mentioned in the Antiquarie, or els worne out by times Antiquitie, what it was greatly skilles not: but therein thus it happened. An old new made Gentleman herein dwelt, of no small credit, exceeding wealth, and large conscience: he had gathered from many to bestowe vpon one, for though he had two sonnes he estemed but one, that being as himselfe, brought vp to be golds bondman, was therefore held heire apparant of his ill gathered goods.
    The other was a Scholler, and maried to a proper Gentlewoman and therefore least regarded, for tis an old sayd saw: To learning & law, thers no greater foe than they that nothing know: yet was not the father altogether vnlettered, for he had good experience in a Nouerint, and by the vniuersall tearmes therein contained, had driuen many a yoong Gentleman to seeke vnknowen countries, wise he was, for he boare office in his parish and sate as formally in his foxfurd gowne, as if he had been a very vpright dealing Burges: he was religious to, neuer without a booke at his belt, and a bolt in his mouthe, readye to shoote through his sinfull neighbor.
    And Latin hee had some where learned, which though it were but little, yet was it profitable, for he had this Philosophie written in a ring, Tu tibi cura, which precept he curiously onserued, being in selfeloue so religious, as he held it no poynt of charitie to part with any thing, of which hee liuing might make vse.
    But as all mortall things are momenta[r]ie, and no certaintie can bee founde in this vncertaine world: so Gorinius, (for that shall be this Usurers name) after many a gowtie pang that had pincht his exterior partes, many a curse of the people that mou[n]ted into heuens presence, was at last with his last summons, by a deadly disese arrested, wher-against when hee had long contended, and was by Phisitions giuen ouer, hee cald his two sonnes before him: and willing to performe the olde prouerbe Qualis vita finis Ita, he thus prepard himselfe, and admonished them. My sonnes (for so your mother said ye were) and so I assure my selfe one of you is, and of the other I will make no doubt.
    You se the time is com, which I thought would neuer haue approched and we must now be seperated, I feare neuer to meete againe. This sixteene yeares daily haue I liude vexed with disease: and might I liue sixteen more, howe euer miserably, I should thinke it happye. But death is relentlesse, and will not be intreated witles: and knowes not what good my gold might do him: senseles & hath no pleasure in the delightful places I would offer him. In briefe, I thinke he hath with this foole my eldest sonne been brought vp in the vniuersitie, and therefore accounts that in riches is no vertue. But thou my son, (laying then his hand on the yongers head) haue thou another spirit: for without wealth, life is a death: what is gentry if welth be wanting, but bace seruile beggerie? Some comfort yet it is vnto me, to see how many Gallants sprunge of noble parents, haue croucht to Gorinius to haue sight of his gold: O gold, desired golde, admired golde! and haue lost their patrimonies to Gorinius, because they haue not returned by their day that adored creature! How many schollers haue written rimes in Gorinius praise, and receiued (after long capping and reuerence) a sixpeny reward in signe of my superficiall liberality. Breefly my yong Lucanio how I haue beene reuerenst thou seest, when honester men I confesse haue been set farre off: for to be rich is to bee any thing, wise, honest, worshipful, or what not. I tell thee my sonne: when I came first to this Citie my whole wardrop was onely a sute of white sheepe skins, my wealth an olde groat, my wooning, the wide world. At this instant (o griefe to part with it) I haue in ready coine threescore thousand pound, in plate and Iewels xv. thousand; in Bondes and specialties as much, in land nine hundred pound by the yeere: all which, Lucanio I bequeath to thee, onely I reserue for Roberto thy well red brother an olde groat, (being y^e stocke I first began with[)] wherewith I wish him to buy a groats-worth of wit: for he in my life hath reprooud my maner of life, and therefore at my death, shall not be contaminated with corrupt gaine. Heere by the way Gentlemen must I digresse to shewe the reason of Gorinius present speach: Roberto being come from the Academie, to visit his father, there was a great feast prouided: where for table talke, Roberto knowing his father and most of the company to be execrable vsurers, inuayed mightely against the abhorred vice, insomuche that hee vrged teares from diuers of their eyes, and compunction in some of their hearts. Dinner being past, he comes to his father, requesting him to take no offence at his liberall speech, seeing what he had vttered was truth. Angry sonne (said he) no by my honesty (and that is som what I may say to you) but vse it still, and if thou canst perswade any of my neighbours from lending vppon vsurie I should haue the more customers: to which when Roberto would haue replyde hee shut himselfe into his studdy, and fell to tell ouer his mony.
    This was Robertos offence: now returne, we to sicke Gorinius, who after he had thus vnequally distributed his goods and possessions, began to ask his sonnes how they liked his bequestes: either seemed agreed, and Roberto vrged him with nothing more than repentance of his [sin: Loke] to thine owne said he, fond boy, & come my Lucanio, let me giue thee good counsell before my death: as for you sir, your bookes are your counsellors, and therefore to them I bequeathe you. Ah Lucanio, my onely comfort, because I hope thou wilt as thy father be a gatherer, let me blesse thee before I dye. Multiply in welth my sonne by anie meanes thou maist, onely flye Alchymie, for therein are more deceites than her beggerlye Artistes haue words; and yet are the wretches more talkatiue then women. But my meaning is, thou shouldest not stand on conscience in causes of profite, but heape treasure vpon treasure, for the time of neede: yet seeme to be deuout, els shalt thou be held vyle: frequent holy exercises graue companie, and aboue al vse the conuersation of yoong Gentlemen, who are so wedded to prodigalitie, that once in a quarter necissitie knocks at their chamber doores: profer them kindnesse to relieue their wants, but be sure of good assurance: giue faire wordes till dayes of paiment come, & then vse my course, spare none: what though they tell of conscience (as a number will talke) looke but into the dealings of the world, and thou shalt see it is but idle words. Seest thou not many perish in the streetes, and fall to theft for neede: whom small succor would releeue, then where is conscience, and why art thou bound to vse it more than other men? Seest thou not daily forgeries periuries, oppressions, rackinges of the poore, raisinges of rents, inhauncing of duties euen by them that should be al conscience, if they ment as they speake: but Lucanio if thou reade well this booke (and with that hee reacht him Machaiuels workes at large) thou shalt se, what tis to be foole-holy as to make scruple of conscience where profit presents it selfe.
    Besides, thou hast an instance by the threed-bare brother heere, who willing to do no wrong, hath lost his childes right: for who woulde wish any thing to him, that knowes not how to vse it.
    So much Lucanio for conscience: & yet I know not whats the reason, but some-what stinges mee inwardly when I speake of it. I, father, said Roberto, it is the worme of conscience, that vrges you at the last houre to remember your life, that eternall life may follow your repentance. Out foole (sayd this miserable father[),] I feele it now, it was onely a stitch. I will forwarde with my exhortation to Lucanio. As I said my sonne, make spoyle of yoong Gallants, by insiuating thy selfe amongst them, & be not mooued to think their Auncestors were famous, but consider thine were obscure, and that thy father was the first Gentleman of the name: Lucanio, thou are yet a Bachelor, and soe keepe thee till thou meete with one that is thy equall, I meane in wealth: regarde not beautie, it is but a bayte to entice thine neighbors eye: and the most faire are commonly most fond, vse not too many familiars, for few prooue frendes, and as easie it is to weigh the wind, as to diue into the thoughts of worldlye glosers. I tell thee Lucanio, I haue seene foure- scoore winters besides the od seuen, yet saw I neuer him, that I esteemed as my friend but gold, that desired creature, whom I haue so deerely loued, and found so firme a frind, as nothing to me hauing it hath beene wanting. No man but may thinke deerly of a true friend, & so do I of it laying it vnder sure locks, and lodging my heart there-with.
    But now (Ah my Lucanio) now must I leaue it, and to thee I leaue with this lessen, loue none but thy selfe, if thou wilt liue esteemd. So turning him to his studdy, where his chiefe treasure lay, he loud cryde out in the wise mans woords, O mors quam amara, O death how bitter is thy memorie to him that hath al pleasures in this life, & so with two or three lamentable grones hee left his life: and to make short worke, was by Lucanio his sonne interd, as the custome is with some solemnitie: But leauing him that hath left the world to him y^t censureth of euery worldly man, passe wee to his sonnes: and se how his long laid vp store is by Lucanio lookyd into. The youth was of condition simple, shamfast, & flexible to any counsaile, which Roberto perceiuing, and pondering howe little was lefte to him, grew into an inward contempt of his fathers vnequall legacie, and determinate resolution to worke Lucanio al possible inurie: herevpon thus conuerting the sweetnes of his studdye to the sharpe thirst of reuenge, he (as Enuie is seldome idle) sought out fit companions to effect his vnbrotherly resolution. Neither in such a case is ill company farre to seeke, for y^e Sea hath scarce so [many] ioperdies, as populous Citties haue deceiuing Syrens, whose eies are Adamants, whose words are witchcrafts, whose doores lead downe to death. With one of these female serpents Roberto consorts, and they conclude what euer they compassed equally to share to their contentes. This match made, Lucanio was by his brother brought to the bush, where he had scarce pruned his wings but hee was fast limd, and Roberto had what he expected. But that wee may keepe forme, you shall heare howe it fortuned.
    Lucanio being on a time verie pensiue, his brother brake with him in these tearmes. I wonder Lucanio why you are disconsolate, that want not any thinge in the worlde that may worke your content. If wealth may delight a man, you are with that suffic[i]ently furnisht: if credit may procure any comfort, your word I knowe well, is as well accepted as any mans obligation: in this Citie, are faire buildings and pleasant gardens, and cause of solace: of them I am assured you haue your choyse. Consider brother you are yoong, then plod not altogether in meditating on our fathers precepts: which howsoeuer they sauored of profit, were most vnsauerly to one of your yeeres applied. You must not thinke but certaine Marchants of this Citie expect your company, sundry Gentlemen desire your familiarity, and by co[n]uersing with such, you will be accounted a Gentleman: otherwise a pesant, if ye liue thus obscurely. Besides which I had almost forgot, and then had all the rest beene nothing, you are a man by nature furnished with all exquisite proportion, worthy the loue of any courtly lady, be she neuer so amorous: you haue wealth to maintaine her, of women not little longed for: wordes to court her you shall not want, for my selfe will be your secretarie. Brieflie, why stande I to distinguish abilitie in perticularities, when in one word it may be said which no man can gainsay, Lucanio lacketh nothing to delight a wife, nor any thing but a wife to delight him? My yoong maister beeing thus clawd, and puft vp with his owne praise, made no longer delay, but hauing on his holidaie hose hee trickt himselfe vp, and like a fellowe that meant good sooth, hee clapt his brother on the shoulder and said. Faith brother Roberto, and ye say the worde lets go seeke a wife while tis hoat, both of vs together, Ile pay well, and I dare tourne you loose to say as well as any of them all, well Ile doo my best said Roberto and since ye are so forwarde lets goe nowe and try your good fortune.
    With this foorth they walke, and Roberto went directly toward the house where Lamilia (for so wee call the Curtizan) kept her hospitall, which was in the suburbes of the Citie, pleasantly seated, and made more delectable by a pleasaunt garden wherein it was scituate. No soner come they within ken, but Mistris Lamilia like a cunning angler made readye her change of baytes that shee might effect Lucanios bane: and to begin she discouered from her window her beauteous enticing face, and taking a lute in her hand that shee might the rather allure, shee sung this sonnet with a delicious voyce,

Fie fie on blind fancie,
It hinder youths ioy:
Faire virgins learne by me,
To count loue a toy.

When Loue learned first the A B C of delight,
And knew no figures, nor conceited phrase:
He simplie gaue to due desert her right,
He led not louers in darke winding wayes:
    He plainly wild to loue, or flatly answerd no,
    But now who lists to proue, shall find it nothing so,
Fie fie then on fancie,
It hinders youths ioy,
Faire virgins learne by me,
To count loue a toy.

For since he learnd to vse the Poets pen,
He learnd likewise with smoothing words to faine,
Witching chast eares with trothles tungs of men,
And wronged faith with falshood and disdaine.
    He giues a promise now, anon he sweareth no,
    Who listeth for to proue shall find his changings so:
Fie fie then on fancie,
It hinders youthes ioy,
Faire virgins learne by me,
To count loue a toy.

    So their doores are euer open to entice youth to distruction. They were no sooner entred but Lamilia her selfe like a second Helen, court like begins to salute Roberto, yet did her wandring eie glance often at Lucanio: the effect of her intertainment consisted in these tearmes, that to her simple house Signor Roberto was welcome, & his brother the better welcome for his sake: albeit his good report confirmde by his present demeaner were of it selfe enough to giue him deserued entertainement in any place how honourable soeuer: mutuall thankes returnd, they lead this prodigall child into a parlor garnished with goodly portratures of amiable personages: nere which an excellent consert of musike began at their entraunce to play. Lamilia seeing Licanio shamefast, tooke him by the hand, and tenderly wringing him vsed these words: Beleeue me Gentleman, I am very sorie that our rude entertainment is such, as no way may worke your content, for this I haue noted since your first entering that your countenance hath beene heauie, and the face being the glasse of the hart, assures me the same is not quiet: would ye wish any thing heere that might content you, say but the word, and assure ye of present diligence to effect your full delight. Lucanio being so farre in loue, as he perswaded himselfe without her grant hee could not liue, had a good meaninge to vtter his minde but wanting fit wordes, hee stoode like a trewant that lackt a prompter, or a plaier that being out of his part at his first entrance, is faine to haue the booke to speake what he should performe. Which Roberto perceiuing, replied thus in his behalfe: Madame the Sunnes brightnesse daisleth the beholders eies, the maiestie of Gods, amazeth humane men, Tullie Prince of Orators once fainted though his cause were good, and hee that tamed monsters stoode amated at Beauties ornaments: Then blame not this yoong man though hee replied not, for he is blinded with the beautie of your sunne darkening eies, made mute with the celestiall organe of your voyce, and feare of that rich ambush of amber colored darts, whose pointes are leueld against his hart. Well Signor Roberto said shee, how euer you interpret their shape leuell, be sure they are not bent to doo him hurt, and but that modestie blindes vs poore maydens from vttering the inward sorrow of our mindes, perchance the cause of greefe is ours how euer men do colour, for as I am a virgin I protest, (and therewithall shee tainted her cheekes with a vermillion blush) I neuer saw Gentleman in my life in my eie so gratious as is Lucanio onely this is my greefe, that either I am dispised for that he scornes to speak, or els (which is my greater sorrow) I feare he cannot speake. Not speake Gentlewoman quoth Lucanio? that were a iest indeed, yea I thanke God I am sounde of wind and lym, only my hart is not as it was wont, but and you be as good as your word that will soone be well, and so crauing ye of more acquaintance, in token of my plaine meaning receiue this diamond, which my old father loud deerely: and with that deliuered her a ringe wherein was a pointed diamonds of wonderfull worth. Which she accepting with a lowe conge, returnd him a silke Riband for a fauour tyed with a true loues knot, which he fastened vnder a faire Iewel on his Beuer felt.
    After this Diomedis & Glauci permutatio, my yong master waxed crancke, and the musike continuing, was very forward in dauncing, to shew his cunning: and so desiring them to play on a horne-pipe, laid on the pauement lustely with his leaden heeles, coruetting like a steede of Signor Roccoes teaching, and wanted nothing but bels, to bee a hobbyhorse in a morrice. Yet was he soothed in his folly, and what euer he did, Lamilia counted excellent: her praise made him proude, insomuch that if he had not beene intreated, hee would rather haue died in his daunce, then left off to shew his mistris delight. At last reasonably perswaded, seeing the table furnished, he was content to cease, and settle him to his victuals, on which (hauing before labored) he fed lustily, especially of a Woodcocke pie, wherewith Lamilia his caruer, plentifully plied him. Full dishes hauing furnisht empty stomackes, and Lucanio thereby got leisure to talke, falles to discourse of his wealth, his landes, his bondes, his ability, and how himselfe with all he had, was at madame Lamilias disposing: desiring her afore his brother to tell him simply what shee meant. Lamilia replied: My sweet Lucanio, how I esteeme of thee mine eies does witnes, that like handmaides, haue attended thy beautious face, euer since I firste beheld thee: yet seeing loue that lasteth gathereth by degrees his liking: let this for that suffice, if I finde thee firme, Lamilia wilbe faithful: if fleeting, she must of necessity be infortunate: that hauing neuer seene any whome shee could affect, she shoulde be of him iniuriously forsaken. Nay said Lucanio, I dare say my brother here will giue his woord for that[.] I accept your own said Lamlia: for with me your credit is better than your brothers. Roberto brake off their amorous prattle with this speech. sith either of you are of other so fond at the first sight, I doubt not but time will make your loue more firme. Yet madame Lamilia although my brother and you be thus forward, some crosse chaunce may come: for Multa cadunt inter calicem supremaq; labe. And for a warning to teach you both wit, Ile tell you an old wiues tale.
    Before ye goe on with your tale (qd mistres Lamilia) let me giue ye a caueat by the way, which shall be figured in a fable.

    The Foxe on a time came to visit the Gray, partly for kindered cheefly for craft, and finding the hole emptie of all other company, sauing onely one Badger enquiring the cause of his solitarinesse: hee described the sodaine death of his dam and sire with the rest of his consortes. The Foxe made a Friday face, counterfeiting sorrow: but concludinge that deaths stroke was vneuitable perswaded him to seeke som fit mate wherwith to match. The badger soone agreed, so forth they went, and in their way met with a wa[n]ton ewe stragling from the fold: the Foxe bad the Badger play the tall stripling, and strout on his tiptoes: for (qd he) this ewe is lady of al these lawnds and her brother cheefe belweather of sundry flockes. To be short by the Foxes persuasion there would be a perpetuall league, betweene her harmelesse kindred and al other deuouring beastes, for that the Badger was to them all allied: seduced she yeelded: and the Foxe conducted them to the Bagers habitation. Wher drawing her aside vnder color of exhortation, puld out her throat to satisfie his greedy thirst. Here I shoulde note, a yonge whelpe that viewed their walke, infourmed the shepheardes of what hapned. They followed, and trained the Foxe and Badger to the hole: the Foxe afore had craftely conuaid himselfe away: the shepheards found the Badger rauing for the ewes murther: his lame[n]tation being helde for counterfet, was by the shepherds dog werried. The Foxe escaped: the Ewe was spoiled: and euer since, betweene the Badgers and the dogs hath continued a mortall enmitie: And now be aduised Roberto (qd she), goe forward with your tale, seek not by sly insinuation to turne our mirth to sorrow. Go to Lamilia (qd hee), you feare what I meane not, but howe euer yee take it, Ile forward with my tale.

   
N the North partes there dwelt an olde Squier, that had a young daughter his heire; who had (as I know Madame Lamilia you haue had) many youthfull Gentlemen that long time sued to obtaine her loue. But she knowing her own perfections (as women are by nature proud) would not to any of them vouchsafe fauour: insomuch that they perceiuing her relentlesse, shewed themselues not altogether witlesse, but left her to her fortune, when they found her frowardnes. At last it fortuned among other strangers, a Farmers sonne visited her Fathers house: on whom at the first sight she was enamored, he likewise on her. Tokens of loue past betweene them, either acquainted others parentes of their choise, and they kindly gaue their consent. Short tale to make, married they were, and great solemnitie was at the wedding feast. A yong Gentleman, that had beene long a suiter to her, vexing that the Sonne of a Farmer should be so prefered, cast in his minde by what meanes (to marre their merriment) hee might steale away the Bride. Hereupon he confers with an old Beldam, called Mother Gunby, dwelling thereby, whose counsell hauing taken, he fell to his practise, and proceeded thus. In the after noone, when dauncers were verie busie, he takes the Bride by the hande, and after a turne or two, tels her in her eare, he had a secret to impart vnto her, appointing her in any wise in the euening to find a time to confer with him: she promist she would, and so they parted. Then goes hee to the Bridegroome, & with protestations of entire affect, protests that the great sorrow hee takes at that which hee must vtter, whereon depended his especial credit, if it were known the matter by him should be discouered. After the Bridegrooms promise of secrecie, the gentleman tels him, that a frend of his receiued that morning from the Bride a Letter, wherein shee willed him with some sixteene horse to awaite her comming at a Parke side, for that she detested him in her heart as a base countrey hynde, with whom her father compeld her to marry. The Bridegroome almost out of his wits, began to bite his lip. Nay, sayth the Gentleman, if you will by me bee aduised, you shall salue her credit, win her by kindnes, and yet preuent her wanton complot. As how said the Bridegroome? Mary thus saide the Gentleman: In the euening (for till the guests be gone she intends not to gad) get you on horsebacke, and seeme to be of the companie that attends her comming: I am appoynted to bring her from the house to the Parke, and from thence fetch a winding compasse of a mile about, but to turne vnto old Mother Gunbyes house, where her Louer my friend abydes: when she alights, I will conduct her to a chamber farre from his lodging; but when the lights are out, and shee expects her adulterous copesmate, your selfe (as reason is) shall proue her bedfellow, where priuately you may reprooue her, and in the morning earely returne home without trouble. As for the Gentleman my friend, I will excuse her absence to him, by saying, she mockt me with her Mayde in steade of her selfe, whome when I knew at her alighting, I disdained to bring her vnto his presence. The Bridegroome gaue his hand [it] should be so.
    Now by the way you must vnderstand, this Mother Gunby had a daughter, who all that day sate heauily at home with a willow garland, for that the Bridegoome (if hee had dealt faithfully) should haue wedded before any other. But men (Lamilia) are vnconstant, mony now a dayes makes the match, or else the match is marde.
    But to the matter: the Bridegroome and the Gentleman thus agreed[: h]e tooke his time, confered with the Bride, perswaded her that her husband (notwithstanding his faire shew at the marriage) had sworne to his old sweete heart, their neighbour Gunbyes daughter, to bee that night her bedfellow: and if she would bring her Father, his Father, and other friendes to the house at midnight, they should finde it so.
    At this the young Gentlewoman inwardly vext to be by a peasant so abusde, promist if she saw likelyhood of his slipping away, that then she would doo according as he directed.
    All this thus sorting, the old womans daughter was trickly attyrde ready to furnish this pageant, for her old mother prouided all things necessarie.
    Well, Supper past, dauncing ended, and the guests would home, and the Bridegroome pretending to bring some friend of his home, got his horse, and to the Parke side he rode, and staide with the horsemen that attended the Gentleman.
    Anone came Marian like mistris Bride, and mounted behind the Gentleman, away they post, fetch their compasse, & at last alight at an olde wiues house, where sodenly she is conuayd to her chamber, & the bridegroome sent to keep her company, where he had scarse deuisd how to begin his exhortation: but the Father of his Bryde knockt at the chamber doore. At which being somewhat amazed, yet thinking to turne it to a ieast, sith his Wife (as he thought) was in bed with him, hee opened the doore, saying: Father, you are hartily welcome, I wonder how you found vs out heere; this deuise to remooue our selues, was with my wiues consent, that we might rest quietly without the Maides and Batchelors disturbing. But wheres your wife said the gentleman: why heere in bed saide he. I thought (quoth the other ) my daughter had beene your wife, for sure I am to day shee was giuen you in marriage. You are merrely disposed, said the Bridegroome, what thinke you I haue another wife: I thinke but as you speake quoth the Gentleman, for my daughter is below, and you say your wife is in the bed. Below (said he) you are a merry man, and with that casting on a night gowne, hee went downe, where when he saw his wife, the Gentleman his Father, and a number of his friends assembled, he was so confounded, that how to behaue himselfe he knew not; onely he cryde out that he was deceiued. At this the olde woman arises, and making her selfe ignoraunt of all the whole matter, inquires the cause of that sodayne tumult. When she was tolde the new Bridegroome was founde in bed with her daughter, she exclaimed against so great an iniurie. Marian was called in quorum: she iustified, it was by his allurement: he being condemned by al their consents, was iudged vnworthy to haue the Gentlewoman vnto his Wife, and compeld (for escaping of punishment) to marrie Marian: and the young Gentleman (for his care in discouering the Farmers sonnes lewdnes) was recompenst with the Gentlewomans euer during loue.
    Quoth Lamilia, and what of this: Nay nothing saide Roberto, but that I haue told you the effects of sodaine loue: yet the best is, my brother is a maidenly Batchler; and for youe selfe, you haue not beene troubled with many suiters. The fewer the better, said Lucanio. But brother, I con you little thanke for this tale: hereafter I pray you vse other table talke. Lets then end talk, quoth Laimilia, and you (signior Lucanio) and I will go to the Chesse. To Chesse, said he, what meane you by that: It is a game, said she, that the first daunger is but a checke, the worst, the giuing of a mate. Wel, said Roberto, that game yee haue beene at alreadie then, for you checkt him first with your beauty, & gaue him your selfe for mate to him by your bounty. Thats wel taken brother, said Lucanio, so haue we past our game at Chesse. Wil ye play at Tables then, said she: I cannot, quoth he, for I can goe no further with my game, if I be once taken. Will ye play then at cards. I said he, if it bee at one and thirtie. That fooles game, said she: Wele all to hazard, said Roberto, and brother you shall make one for an houre or two: content quoth he. So to dice they went, and fortune so fauored Lucanio, that while they continued square play, hee was no looser. Anone coosonage came about, and his Angels being double winged, flew cleane from before him. Lamilia being the winner, preparde a banquet; which finished, Roberto aduised his brother to departe home, and to furnish himselfe with more Crownes, least hee were outcrackt with new commers.
    Lucanio loath to be outcountenanst, followed his aduise, desiring to attend his retur[n]e, which he before had determined vnrequested: For as soone as his brothers backe was turned, Roberto begins to recken with Lamilia, to bee a sharer as well in the mony deceitfully wonne, as in the Diamond so wilfully giuen. But she, secundum mores meretricis, iested thus with the scholler. Why Roberto, are you so well read, and yet shewe your selfe so shallow witted, to deeme women so weake of conceit, that they see not into mens demerites. Suppose (to make you my stale to catch the woodcocke your brother) that my tongue ouer-running myne intent, I spake of liberall rewarde; but what I promised, theres the point; at least what I part with I will be well aduised. It may be you wil thus reason: Had not Roberto traind Lucanio vnto Lamilias lure, Lucanio had not now beene Lamilias pray: therfore sith by Roberto she possesseth the prize, Roberto merites an equall part. Monstrous absurd if so you reason; as wel you may reason thus: Lamilias dog hath kild her a deere, therefore his Mistris must make him a pastie. No poore pennilesse Poet, thou art beguilde in mee, and yet I wonder how thou couldst, thou hast beene so often beguilde. But it fareth with licentious men, as with the chased Bore in the streame, who being greatly refresht with swimming, neuer feeleth a[n]ie smart vntill hee perish recurelesly wounded with his owne weapons. Reasonlesse Roberto, that hauing but a brokers place, asked a lenders reward. Faithles Roberto, that hast attempted to betray thy brother, irreligiously forsaken thy Wife, deseruedly beene in thy fathers eie an abiect: thinkst thou Lamilia so loose, to consort with one so lewd. No hypocrite, the sweete Gentleman thy brother, I will till death loue, & thee while I liue, loath. This share Lamilai giues thee, other getst thou none.
    As Roberto would haue replide, Lucanio approcht: to whom Lamilia discourst the whole deceipt of his brother, & neuer rested intimating malitious arguments, till Lucanio vtterly refusde Roberto for his brother, & for euer forbad him his house. And when he wold haue yeelded reasons, and formed excuse, Lucanios impatience (vrged by her importunate malice) forbad all reasoning with them that was reasonlesse, and so giuing him Jacke Drums intertainment, shut him out of doores: whom we will follow, & leaue Lucanio to the mercie of Lamilia. Roberto in an extreme extasie rent his haire, curst his destenie, blamd his trechery, but most of all exclaimd against Lamilia: and in her against all enticing Curtizans, in these tearms.

    What meant the Poets in inuectiue verse,
    To sing Medeas shame, and Scillas pride,
    Calipsoes charmes, by which so many dyde?
    Onely for this their vices they rehearse,
    That curious wits which in this world conuerse,
    May shun the dangers and enticing shoes,
    of such false Syrens, those home-breeding foes,
    That from their eies their venim do disperse.
    So soone kils not the Basiliske with sight,
    The Vipers tooth is not so venemous,
    The Adders tung not halfe so dangerous,
    As they that beare the shadow of delight,
Who chaine blinde youths in tramels of their haire,
Till wast bring woe, and sorrow hast despaire.

The people make no estimation,
Of Morrals teaching education.

Deceiuing world, that with alluring toyes,
Hast made my life the subiect of thy scorne:
And scornest now to lend thy fading ioyes,
To length[en] my life, whom friends haue left forlorne.
How well are they that die ere they be borne,
    And neuer see thy sleights, which few men shun,
    Till vnawares they helplesse are vndone.

Oft haue I sung of Loue, and of his fire,
But now I finde that Poet was aduizde;
Which made full feasts increasers of desire,
And prooues weake loue was with the poore despizde.
For when the life with foode is not suffizde,
    What thought of loue, what motion of delight;
    VVhat pleasance can proceed from such a wight?

VVitnesse my want, the murderer of my wit;
My rauisht sence of woonted furie reft;
VVants such conceit, as should in Poems sit,
Set downe the sorrow wherein I am left:
But therefore haue high heauens their gifts bereft:
    Because so long they lent them me to vse,
    And I so long their bountie did abuse.

O that a yeare were graunted me to liue,
And for that yeare my former wits restorde:
VVhat rules of life, what counsell would I giue?
How should my sinne with sorrow be deplorde?
But I must die of euery man abhorde.
    Time loosely spent will not againe be woonne,
    My time is loosely spent, and I vndone.

    Now to all men I bid farewel in like sort, with this conceited Fable of that olde Comedian Aesope.

    AN Ant and a Grashopper walking together on a Greene, the one carelesly skipping, the other carefully prying what winters prouision was scattered in the way: the Grashopper scorning (as wantons will) this needelesse thrift (as he tearmed it) reprooued him thus:

The greedie miser thirsteth still for gaine;
His thrift is theft, his weale works others woe:
That foole is fond which will in caues remaine,
VVhen mongst faire sweets he may at pleasure goe.

The thriftie husband spares what vnthrift spends,
His thrift no theft, for dangers to prouide:
Trust to thy selfe, small hope in vvant yeeld friendes,
A caue is better than the deserts wide.

Pack hence (quoth he) thou idle lazie worme,
My house doth harbour no vnthriftie mates:
Thou scornedst to toile, & now thou feelst the storme,
And starust for foode while I am fed with cates.
    Vse no intreats, I will relentlesse rest,
    For toyling labour hates an idle guest.

    The Grashopper, foodlesse, helplesse, and strengthles, got into the next brooke, and in the yeelding sand digde himselfe a pit: by which hee likewise ingrau'de this Epitaph.

When Springs greene prime arrayd me with delight,
And euery power with youthfull vigor fild,
Gaue strength to worke what euer fancie wild:
I neuer feard the force of winters spight.

Whhen first I saw the sunne the day begin,
And dry the Mornings teares from hearbs and grasse;
I little thought his chearefull light would passe,
Till vgly night with darknes enterd in.
    And then day lost I mournd, spring past I wayld,
    But neither teares for this or that auailde.

Then too too late I praisd the Emmets paine,
That sought in spring a harbour gainst the heate:
And in the haruest gathered winters meat,
Preuenting famine, frosts, and stormy raine.

My wretched end may warne Greene springing youth,
To vse delights as toyes that will deceiue,
And scorne the world before the world them leaue:
For all worlds trust, is ruine without ruth.
    Then blest are they that like the toyling Ant,
    Prouide in time gainst winters wofull want.

    THe remembrance of the many wrongs offred thee, and thy vnreproued virtues, adde greater sorrow to my miserable state, than I can vtter or thou conceiue. Neither is it lessended by consideration of thy absence, (though shame would hardly let me beholde thy face) but exceedingly aggrauated, for that I cannot (as I ought) to thy owne selfe reconcile my selfe, that thou mightest witnesse my inward woe at this instant, that haue made thee a wofull wife for so long a time. But equall heauen hath denied that comfort, giuing at my last neede like succour as I haue sought all my life: being in this extremitie as voide of helpe, as thou hast beene of hope. Reason would, that after so long wast, I should not send thee a child to bring thee greater charge: but consider he is the fruit of thy wombe, in whose face regarde not the Fathers faultes so much, as thy owne perfections. He is yet Greene, and may grow straight, if he be carefully tended: otherwise, apt enough (I feare me) to follow his Fathers folly. That I haue offended thee highly I knowe; that thou canst forget my iniuries I hardly beleeue: yet perswade I my selfe, if thou saw my wretched estate thou couldst not but lament it: nay, certainly I know thou wouldst. All my wrongs muster themselues before me, euery euill at once plagues mee. For my contempt of God, I am contemned of men: for my swearing and forswearing, no man will beleeue me: for my gluttony, I suffer hunger: for my drunkennes, thirst: for my adultery, vlverous sores. Thus God hath cast me downe, that I might be humbled: and punished me for example of other sinners: and altogether he suffers me in this world to perish without succor, yet trust I in the world to come to find mercie, by the merites of my Sauiour to whom I commend this, and commit my soule.

Thy repentant husband for his dis-
loyaltie, Robert Greene.

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