SPEW
On Meet Your Elected Officials!
There is no rule saying that if we don't hold our hours we don't get paid our stipend.--Student Senator Spencer Hamlin, defending his and other summer session senators' non-fulfillment of duties, as reported in the Nov. 5 Emerald. Read on.
I made a mistake. That sucks, man. Oh well.
--Hamlin, upon having the rule specifically contradicting his claim read to him. This character used to be on the Rules Committee? The end is surely upon us.
On Comparisons
It's like a plane fell out of the sky.--Anonymous South Dakotan analogist and master of the obvious on the recent LearJet crash of Payne Stewart and various non-famous individuals. Remember the time when Ol Dirty Bastard was arrested and it was just like that time he broke the law? Ponderous.
On We've Got Mail!
Do you have any more details on Mr. Palahniuk's visit on Nov. 11?--From an e-mail by Gabe Newton, one bright cookie, on our Spew of an Oct. 18 Emerald advertisement in the last issue. We'd help you out, we really would, if only we knew where to look...
I believe that either Dan Atkinson is greatly exaggerating the state of the campus' toilets, or the men's rooms are significantly worse than the ladies'. I would gladly accompany Mr. Atkinson as scout and lookout, if he wishes to experience the University of Oregon's distaff restrooms.
--Student Anna Truwe, in another e-mail. We're sure you mean well Anna, but by the time he gets down to, er, testing the facilities, you won't want to be anywhere in the area. Sometimes it's better to leave well enough alone.
On Euphemisms
I decided to explore the surroundings of the lake with a friend, Harvey, that I met during my first month in Canada. He was a 40-year-old guy that liked to go outside and do "stuff."--Jan Hagenbrook, reliving a traumatic episode in her life for the October Voice. Listen to Jan, kids, and you won't have to learn this one the hard way: If you're ever in the woods and you happen to meet a 40-year-old Canadian named Harvey, no matter what he says, do not let him talk you into "stuff."
On Aprhs Garde
On Sept. 24, Kinkel pleadED guilty to four counts of murder and 26 counts of attempted murder.--From ODE Community Editor Sarah Lieberth's Nov. 4 Kip Kinkel sentencing coverage. Brilliant! A surreptitious capitalization of the final "ED!" What symbolic truth is she hinting at? We haven't seen such daring use of syntax construction since the famous "stud entgov ernment" headline of '92! Bravo, and keep blazing those journalistic trails!
On Continued Thurston Hilarity
Dr. William Sack described five separate paranoid delusions from which Kinkel reportedly suffers, among them is his notion that Disney World was going to take over the world, complete with the image of Mickey Mouse replacing George Washington on the dollar bill.--From the following day's ODE Online Extra. A few pointers, Kip. If you're gonna make something up, remember: don't use anything you saw on TV.
"I'd be happy to have him as my next door neighbor," he said. "I don't think he would be a danger to society."
--Sack in the ODE, continued. Well, of course. It's not like he killed his neighbors--his parents lived in his house, and his classmates lived at least a couple miles away.
On A + B = C
Ken Griffey Jr. said the deaths of Walter Payton and Payne Stewart prompted him to ask the Seattle Mariners to trade him to a team closer to his home in Florida.--The Associated Press, Nov. 3. We believe we can safely speak for everyone when we say... huh?
On Don't We Know It
It's a losing battle, like trying to put your finger in a dike. Uh, dam.--Capt. Mark A. Magalski, Military Science 121, on the failure of the War on Drugs. There is no sexual innuendo here, so stop trying to read any into it. Perverts.